


All of my stumbling phrases

by toughluckbuddy



Series: Strangeness & Charm [5]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Writing & Publishing, First Meeting, Jiraiya thinks saying hello is foreplay, M/M, Orochimaru thinks debating literature is foreplay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2019-06-17
Packaged: 2020-05-13 11:51:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19250635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toughluckbuddy/pseuds/toughluckbuddy
Summary: “Well, I don’t want to go.”Tsunade closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “Jiraiya, as I said, you don’t have a choice. It’s the biggest party of the year and…”“Can’t you go instead? You’re my agent, it’s the same thing.”“I’ll be there as well. Everyone will be, I’m sorry but you can’t avoid this one. Plus, it will do you some good to meet people over the age of twenty-one.” She gave him a pointed look and he rolled his eyes.





	All of my stumbling phrases

**Author's Note:**

> For the rarepair bingo prompts: meet cute - celebrities
> 
> Title from All This And Heaven Too by Florence & the Machine

“Well, I don’t want to go.”

Tsunade closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “Jiraiya, as I said, you don’t have a choice. It’s the biggest party of the year and…”

“Can’t you go instead? You’re my agent, it’s the same thing.”

“I’ll be there as well. Everyone will be, I’m sorry but you can’t avoid this one. Plus, it will do you some good to meet people over the age of twenty-one.” She gave him a pointed look and he rolled his eyes.

“I don’t want to meet boring old authors. They’re all lame and smelly, like that Orochimaru guy…”

“You’ve never met him, you don’t know what he smells like. Also, may I remind you he’s up for the…”

“Most pretentious jerk in literature award, yes, I know. I’m still selling more books than him.”

“And isn’t that tragic,” muttered Tsunade, though loud enough for Jiraya to hear. He looked scandalized but she continued. “Why don’t you go rub it in their faces then? I’ll allow five drinks before cutting you off.”

“Meh, they’ll probably only serve champaign anyway.”

“I’ll make your life a living hell if you don’t go.”

“You could have started with that,” said Jiraiya and Tsunade gave him a satisfied smile and a pat on the head.

***

“Sir, if I may, it would be a shame to pass on the networking possibilities...”

Orochimaru made a sound of disgust and Kabuto stopped talking. “And here I thought awards were actually given out to the most deserving books.”

“Only in an ideal world. But I’m sure if you just acknowledge the right people…”

“But it would feel unauthentic! I poured my heart and soul into my writing, isolated myself for months to better encapsulate the feeling of loneliness that one may experience when in exile and now I should…”

“To be perfectly honest, your reclusive personality hasn’t exactly helped sales.”

“Don’t talk to me about sales. I’m not that Jiraiya fool, spitting out one awful book a year and thinking himself an author.”

“Of course not. I just find it a shame more people aren’t reading your book.”

“I’m not writing for them, I’m writing for posterity,” said Orochimaru, and Kabuto blinked a few times without answering. “Besides, I don’t have time for parties, I’m already thinking about my next project.”

“Oh? What is it about? Or is too early to ask?”

“The hypocrisy of our modern society.”

“Then… why not start there to collect some raw impressions?” asked Kabuto, and he allowed himself a sigh of relief at the pensive expression on Orochimaru’s face.

***

They were indeed only serving champaign, and Tsunade had just introduced him to a bunch of bearded old men who had collaborated on an encyclopedia or something. Jiraiya felt vindicated. Some people from the advertising department had looked promising – sharp, pretty and mean-looking, which was how he liked his partners – but they were all giving him a wide berth and haughty looks. His reputation preceded him – and also, no one here wanted to admit they were reading his trashy erotic novels, though statistically, at least a few of them were.

He tugged on Tsunade’s sleeve. “May I be excused?”

She tutted. “Don’t be childish. How many drinks have you had?” she asked suspiciously.

He shrugged. “I told you, I can’t get drunk on champaign. It’s basically sparkly water.”

“Right. Go get some fresh air on the balcony and stop pestering me.” She waved him off and he realized when he turned around that he was indeed feeling a little wobbly.

The balcony was dark and deserted except for the lone man smoking a cigarette and looking up at the sky.

“What a lame party,” Jiraiya said when he spotted the stranger’s sexy ponytail. He had a thing for long hair.

***

Orochimaru watched the stranger with narrowed eyes. “Are you another critic?” he asked warily. He had had to fake so much politeness and interest already that his cheeks were aching a little bit.

“Me? No, I’m just a lonely author looking for some company.” He winked.

Orochimaru looked him up and down. He was tall and broad-shouldered, which was good. He looked a little drunk and the winking was unfortunate but… well. If he could pick him up and not call him the next day, it would do.

“Very well, what did you think of my book then?” he asked. “Everyone I talked to tonight misunderstood it completely.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t read books. So you’d be up for…”

“What do you mean you don’t read books?” interrupted Orochimaru. “I thought you were an author.”

“Well, yeah,” said the stranger, frowning. “I write books, I don’t need to read them.”

“That’s preposterous. Who are your influences? What’s your _école_?”

“My _what_? Look, I don’t know what pretentious bullshit you’re talking about but that’s not…”

Orochimaru made a sound of outrage. “ _Pretentious_? I don’t recall giving you permission to…”

“I think I’m going to be sick.”

“Oh _now_ we’re using hyperbole aren’t we, the lowest form of…”

“No, I’m not joking I’m…”

***

“You _threw up_ on Orochimaru?” It was the next day and Tsunade was livid.

“I didn’t know it was him! I thought you were supposed to cut me off anyway! Also…” Jiraiya pointed an accusing finger at her “… you never told me he was hot!”

“I had no idea he was your type,” she said, obviously lying. “Plus he’s very argumentative.”

“You know hot and argumentative is exactly my type.”

“Well, alright then, I thought he would be too much of an intellectual for you.”

Jiraiya gave her a wounded look. “Fine, get me his book and we’ll see who’s an intellectual.”

She looked at him in silence for a few seconds. He made an impatient hand gesture and she said “Ugh, very well, but I’m not explaining it to you.”

She made to leave the room.

“And I’ll need his number too,” added Jiraiya very quickly without looking at her. She was feeling the beginning of a migraine.

***

“All of his books, sir?”

“Yes. I’m doing a… comparative study.” Orochimaru was very deliberately looking at his own fingernails instead of at Kabuto.

“On erotica?”

“Well, needs must. It’s for my novel.”

“The one on the hypocrisy of modern society?”

Orochimaru threw him a dirty look and Kabuto raised an eyebrow.

“… Yes. I may also need to organize a meeting with the author. For additional research.”

“I thought you two had already met. When you insulted him and he threw up on you.”

“We had a spirited discussion that’s all! Plus, you know how traitorous that champaign can be.”

Kabuto made a noncommittal noise.

“Anyway, you’ll take care of that for me will you? The books and the meeting?”

Kabuto rolled his eyes while Orochimaru wasn’t looking and said “Of course sir.”


End file.
